Perhaps

I can’t deny there is an empty feeling now within me. Perhaps it has to do with growing older and finding myself but I seriously feel like connecting with people on a deeper level is difficult for me. I’ve weighed the possibilities that perhaps my friends are not right for me or perhaps I am expecting too much from them, and the only answer that seemed right was a form of the latter: Perhaps I’m expecting too much, yet not letting anyone in. I once read that a person is a sum of the people they hang out with, so you can imagine that my group of friends is neatly picked out, positivity and open-mindedness are super important qualities for me. As I’ve grown older, I’ve managed to dwindle my group of friends to a tiny few: people who are strong, supportive, funny and incredibly open-minded. The thing is I still feel like I have a bunch of superficial relationships and that I can’t be open up with all my friends, yet I don’t think it has to do with them but with me.

I’ve been seeking a lot solitude since beginning University as a way to isolate and find myself. I don’t entirely think University is why I like being alone– I think also has to do with a heartbreak I experienced in the year that passed. I also think waves of previous mourning are coming back to hit me in a way similar to the of post-traumatic stress disorder. I don’t want to put a label on it yet though, all I can say is that a lot of my thoughts are on that of the past. I relive moment meticulously, and analyze them; sometimes I relive memories that don’t seem to be mine. I’ve done a lot of sleeping and a lot of writing in order to decrease these feelings, but nothing has really worked though.

Sure, I’ve been writing more, and painting more but I feel a sort of stagnancy now. Almost like I am stuck. You know when all your everyday mundane tasks become too mundane? The routine is driving me crazy, especially since nothing is happening or changing. I’ve always told myself being alone is the most meditative state I could possibly be in, but I’m having a lot of trouble with that statement now. I think it has to do with the fact that communication is so important to me, then why am I so bad at opening up?  I miss talking to someone, like really talking to someone without hesitation or thoughts of sounding cool, intellectual or any other adjective. A lot of it has to do with a fear of vulnerability that has been instilled in me since birth. My mother’s constant betrayals led her to teach me not to trust anyone. I’m not going to lie though, not trusting anyone has saved me from a lot of mishaps, but perhaps I simply chose the wrong people.

At the same time, I think this form of solitude is good for me- perhaps just in doses. If I’m forced to look on the bright side of being where I am right now I’d say there are a few pros: My work has evolved, I have a voice now, self-improvement has become my top priority, I’m getting closer to what I want out of life and I’ve made a shit ton of smoothies. So perhaps this is just a process a part of my growth, but I’m not sure since I haven’t really told anyone about it.

I’m happy, but I’m not and it is such a strange feeling. So, I’ve decided to do something out of the ordinary this summer: I booked a ticket to go to Jamaica. I figured that in a country so foreign but so familiar finding myself would come naturally.

l/r